Friday, October 12, 2007

Turn Your Own Light On To Lead Others Away from the Darkness

By Linda S. Wallace

Dear Cultural Coach: I’m talking to a man...a white man...middle-aged. In the process of the conversation he says in kind of a smug way...something like "since it's possible that we could actually have a black president or a woman president that means that things have really improved a lot...or changed." The tone kind of put me in mind of when people say things that imply that since slavery is over and the civil rights era is supposedly over...there is nothing left to complain about. Or that everything is equal now...no more problems exist with racism...I felt very agitated and actually angry after the conversation was over...I can't quite articulate or understand why...Do you or anybody else out there? I’m rather stumped on this...or at least for the most part.

Cultural Coach: Imagine standing in a room divided by a mirror that requires special powers to see through.

You are standing on one side of the glass, which continually reflects your beliefs, experiences, triumphs and challenges. The man you spoke with is on the other side of the mirror looking at his life in much the same way.

Whenever the two of you try to hold a conversation, the mirror filters this communication. Both of you wear cultural shades, which are shaped by the beliefs and experiences playing inside your head. At times, these lenses distort what you are able to hear and see, and result in miscommunication.

With effort, patience and practice, individuals learn how to manage their filters so they can see the total picture and listen to alternatives. This skill set, which is known as cultural flexibility or cultural agility, is one key component of cultural competence.

As you discuss your life experiences, this middle-aged man relies upon his cultural filter to examine the things you share. He may know what it is like to raise a family, hold down a job and deal with adversity, but he may never have felt the sting of discrimination. Therefore, if he perceives that someone dislikes him, he is prone to think that his personality – not his skin color – is more likely to be at the root of the problem. If you say someone does not like you because you are black, he may wonder whether personality – not race – is at the root of your problems too.

Where you may see intentional discrimination, he may see innocent missteps or benign mistakes. Sometimes your filter may be right; sometimes his is more accurate. To find truth, we must avoid automatic assumptions and rely on facts and data as much as possible.

His mirror reflects an America where effort, not color, determines how far and fast a star will rise. We no longer have “colored” or “whites only” water fountains and schools; employers can’t refuse to hire you because of skin color without the possibility of prosecution; Barack Obama’s powerful voice is being heard all over the world as he runs for president; Hillary Clinton’s presidential bid has a woman poised to make presidential history; and there are cities where African Americans, Asian Americans and Latinos are now the majority.

This is not the America his grandparents grew up with.

Your mirror reflects a nation where equality is a goal, not yet a given. You see employers who may interview minorities and women but feel that the white male – who makes them feel more comfortable – are always better. You see schools segregated by class, rather than color; affluent African Americans coming out of integrated schools, while life is unchanged for many poor children who remain in segregated schools; and minorities with access to good health-care services as some studies show African Americans are less likely to get pain medication or a life-saving treatment for a heart attack.

This is not the America your grandparents hoped for when they sacrificed so much to be free.

He may not see what’s on the other side of the mirror, so your life and those challenges may be invisible to him. On the other hand, you may find it hard to visualize the kinder, gentler America he describes. Put both filters together, and the truths begin to emerge. It is entirely possible that in a land of unprecedented opportunity, privileges and punishments still may be dispensed unequally and unfairly.

As a nation, we may never be able to remove the mirror that separates cultural communities. We can, however, become culturally skilled communicators and competent problem solvers.

Over the years I have developed a few techniques that help to increase effectiveness:

Don’t Tell Others They are Wrong, Ask Questions Instead: As we gain knowledge, we build trust and credibility. Instead of trying to convince others they are wrong, or that we are right, we should invest time studying their cultural filters. This assists us in framing arguments in future conversations and cuts back on frustrations.

Look at Him As an Opportunity, Not As A Problem: If you view this gentleman as a problem, you will limit your chances for success. If you work together, you can strengthen each other. If you tear down each other, the two of you will tear apart the community fabric. Why not make him an ally instead of an enemy?

Lead by Example: Show him how to manage his filters; don’t scold him. As we share the amazing benefits we accrue as we manage our filters, other success-minded people flock to us. Winning players make up championship teams. Make certain that your supporting team has a diversity of skill sets, relationships and cultural filters.

Shine Your Light on His Mirror, and Have Faith that He Will Begin to See You and Your World: Try these techniques for six months, then write and let me know if he has changed the way he sees you and your challenges.